In the initial stages of a romantic relationship, physical intimacy often takes center stage, with couples finding it hard to keep their hands off each other. However, as the relationship matures, the frequency of sexual activity may decrease, leading to what is commonly known as a sexless relationship. This can have many implications for both the individual health and happiness of each partner, as well as the health of the relationship itself. Thankfully, there are plenty of ways to overcome this problem for a fulfilling relationship.
The Importance of Sex in a Relationship
For most individuals, sexual satisfaction is a crucial element in maintaining a healthy, long-term relationship. It serves as a means of emotional and physical connection, playing a vital role in fostering intimacy and trust between partners. Couples often find that engaging in regular sexual activity promotes a sense of closeness and strengthens their bond. When frequency of intimacy slows down or grinds to a hault, it can cause problems in the relationship. Dr. Dana McNeil, a licensed marriage and family therapist, defines a sexless relationship as one in which the lack of sex becomes a problem for at least one partner, causing emotional distress, insecurity, or overall dissatisfaction with the relationship.
Reasons Why Couples Stop Having Sex
When couples frequency of intimacy decreases or stops altogether, there are often multiple factors at play. Of course, there can be temporary blockers that resolve themselves when the block is removed. This can be things like immediately after having a baby, temporary living arrangements that can block intimacy, or physical distance that reduces the opportunity for sex. However, when the problems are more internal or emotionally rooted, it can be more challenging to overcome. These are some of the reasons why couples have sexless relationships and how to resolve it.
1. Exhaustion from Daily Routine
One common reason for a decline in sexual activity within a relationship is the sheer exhaustion brought on by the demands of daily life. Dr. McNeil explains that mundane tasks and the responsibilities of daily living can leave couples feeling drained, causing sex to feel like just another item on a never-ending to-do list. The pressure to perform sexually may lose its allure, especially after long hours at work, leaving one or both partners disinterested and physically spent.
“What typically happens is that couples get into the business of ‘being in a relationship’ versus cultivating a connection,” McNeil says. “For some, sex can begin to feel like another box to check on their to-do list. The thought of having to get their mojo on and ‘perform’ sexually loses its shine when they just worked a 10-hour shift.”
2. Unresolved Conflict and Emotional Distance
Unresolved conflict, minor betrayals, and emotional distance can also contribute to a lack of sex and intimacy within a relationship. Dr. McNeil points out that seemingly trivial issues, like undone chores or unaddressed grievances, can fester over time. This leads to a disconnect between partners. This emotional distance may act as a shield, preventing the wounded partner from feeling vulnerable, thereby diminishing the desire for physical intimacy.
Withdrawing from being intimate can start to feel like a physical shield that protects the wounded partner from experiencing too much vulnerability,” McNeil says. “Sometimes taking sex off the table can feel like a way to take back control in the relationship.”
3. Health Conditions and Medications
Various health conditions and medications can adversely affect an individual’s libido, contributing to a decline in sexual activity. For example, partners dealing with depression or taking medication to manage it may experience a decrease in their sex drive. It is essential for couples to be cognizant of these factors and how they may impact their intimacy.
What You Can Do About It
According to licensed marriage and family therapist Leslie Doares, the first step is some self reflection. You can’t solve the problem without first identifying the reasons why it exists in the first place. This means asking yourself some questions and being honest with yourself about the real responses. These are questions like “Why haven’t we been having sex? Are we just too busy, or is there an underlying cause? How am I feeling about my partner right now? How important is sex to me? Is a lack of sex something I can really live with?”
From there, to address the issue of a sexless relationship, effective communication is key. It is vital for both partners to engage in open, honest conversations about the lack of sexual intimacy without placing blame. Using “I” statements can help maintain focus on one’s own feelings, minimizing the likelihood of conflict. An example of such as statement is “I’ve noticed that we haven’t been having sex lately, and it’s making me feel distant from you.” From there, both partners need to remain open, honest, and non-combative or judgemental. Both must also remain open to the very likely possibility that both partners are responsible to some degree for whatever has lead to the decrease in physical intimacy. Seeking the assistance of a mediator or therapist can also facilitate more productive discussions, aiding in the resolution of intimacy issues. Reigniting physical intimacy is not impossible, it just might take a bit of effort and vulnerability from each partner.
Keeping Romance Alive
In an effort to rekindle physical intimacy, Dr. McNeil recommends the practice of “sensate touch” to help partners reconnect on an emotional and physical level. This exercise, focused on intimacy rather than sex, allows couples to be present with one another and appreciate the sensations of physical touch, reigniting a sense of familiarity and connection.
“The fact is that when couples haven’t been intimate in some time, there is a tendency to want to make sure they have sex that ends in a win for both,” McNeil says. “This is often unrealistic, so re-igniting a sense of familiarity, desire, connection, and intimate awareness of each other’s body again while taking sex off the table can ignite desire to return to an intimate relationship.”
The Bottom Line
A lack of sexual intimacy in a relationship does not necessarily lead to an irreparable situation. By understanding the underlying reasons for this decline and engaging in open communication, couples can work towards fostering a healthy, intimate connection. It is important for partners to recognize the impact of their daily routines, emotional distance, and health conditions on their intimate life, and to be proactive in addressing these challenges to maintain a fulfilling and satisfying relationship.