A man being confronted about cheating who says “Go ahead and believe what you want” divided the internet when an Instagram influencer claimed it was a near-universal sign of guilt. Half the commenters agreed. The other half said it sounded exactly like something an innocent person would say when they’re tired of being accused. Both sides had a point – and that’s what makes certain phrases so hard to read in the moment.
The language men use after cheating tends to follow patterns that are more predictable than most people realize. Getting caught doesn’t bring out anyone’s finest moment, but some of the excuses are so consistent it’s almost insulting – like there’s a script being followed. Many of these phrases are designed, consciously or not, to redirect attention away from what happened and onto how you’re responding to it.
The first reaction of most cheaters is to deny all accusations. For some, the rule is: if you aren’t caught in the act with clear evidence, you can deny it forever. But denial is just the opening move. The phrases that follow – the minimizations, the reversals, the appeals to love – each have a specific job, and they work best when you don’t know what that job is. Here are seven of the most recognizable ones, and what each is actually doing when someone who may be a signs he cheated situation deploys them.
1. “Nothing happened between us”
Cheaters often play with words. If you say “I caught you cheating,” they’ll argue “I’m not having sex with anybody.” The full picture is that cheating means more than just physical sex – it includes emotional cheating, sending sexually suggestive messages, or developing feelings that make your partner uncomfortable. This phrase is a masterclass in technically-true-but-functionally-false communication. He’s drawing a very narrow definition of “something” and betting you’ll accept it.
This move has a name in psychology. DARVO – an acronym coined by psychologist Jennifer J. Freyd of the University of Oregon in a 1997 paper – stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. Confronted with their actions, the person denies the facts, attacks the person confronting them, then reverses the roles by presenting themselves as the real victim. The full framework is detailed at Dr. Freyd’s own research page. The denial phase almost always involves semantic sleight of hand: redefining what happened so the definition excludes the behavior being questioned.
There are many types of cheating and many types of cheaters – but the ones who use these common phrases are all reading from the same manuscript. “Nothing happened” is almost always the first line. Ask what did happen, in detail, and watch how quickly the phrasing shifts.
2. “You’re being paranoid”
This one doesn’t just deny the behavior – it reframes your perception of reality as the problem. Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation and abuse in which the gaslighter seeks to instill doubt in the victim regarding their cognitive functioning, including memory and judgment, employing techniques such as denial, dismissal, minimization, and behavioral inconsistency. Telling someone they’re “paranoid” for having genuine concerns is one of the most direct forms of gaslighting available.
Few phrases shut down a legitimate concern as effectively as this one. The moment someone tells you that your emotional response is too large for the situation, the conversation stops being about what they did and starts being about how you reacted to it. That’s a significant shift in who owns the problem. When this phrase lands after you’ve found a suspicious text, an unexplained expense, or a pattern of late nights, it isn’t a reassurance. It’s a redirect.
The pattern of dismissal and minimization shows up across many contexts. Research finds that gaslighting is a common and impactful experience that contributes to psychological distress and reduces trust, potentially delaying help-seeking in any context where a person has been made to feel their perceptions are unreliable. If “you’re paranoid” is a recurring response to specific, grounded concerns, that pattern is meaningful. You can read more about the specific language used in phrases gaslighters use in arguments.
3. “It didn’t mean anything”
Cheating isn’t just about emotions – it’s about trust. Saying it “didn’t mean anything” doesn’t undo the choice or the secrecy behind it. It’s designed to minimize guilt and distance the cheater from the consequences. But that line usually makes it worse.
The phrase operates on the assumption that emotional investment is what causes harm. For most partners, the harm comes from the deception itself – the planning, the hiding, the lies told before, during, and after. When a cheater tries to push it under the rug by saying “it didn’t mean anything,” they’re treating fleeting outside relationships as consequence-free. The choice to act, and the choice to stay silent about it, meant something regardless of feelings involved.
Any man who can say these things probably believes them, and notice that none of these phrases are an apology or indicate it won’t happen again. “It didn’t mean anything” is comfort for the person saying it. It doesn’t address what the discovery means for the person hearing it.
4. “You were pushing me away”
When caught cheating, a common first move is to tell you it was your fault – that they strayed because you weren’t providing something they needed. This phrase accepts the fact of the affair while attempting to distribute the responsibility. It is blame-shifting at its most efficient.
This excuse flips the problem back onto the relationship rather than the person who made the choice. If things were truly falling apart, the alternative was an honest conversation. If that felt impossible, the alternative was leaving. Notably, 56% of men and 34% of women who cheat rate their marriages as “happy” or “very happy,” according to data from South Denver Therapy – which complicates the narrative that only unhappy people have affairs.
You cannot control another adult person. Cheating is a matter of decision-making. When you hear this phrase, the relevant question is whether these concerns were ever actually raised before the affair. In almost every case, they weren’t.
5. “I was drunk / it just happened”
Alcohol lowers inhibition, but it doesn’t remove agency. This is one of those cheating excuses designed to make it seem like the behavior wasn’t fully intentional. Affairs don’t “just happen” – they require a series of conscious decisions: agreeing to meet, choosing not to leave, deciding to stay silent about it afterward.
According to 2025 data compiled by Gitnux and cited on mcooperlaw.com’s 2026 infidelity statistics page, 42% of individuals who engaged in affairs reported that their relationships began with what they perceived as harmless messaging. The gradual escalation from casual digital conversation to emotional intimacy to physical contact follows a well-documented pattern that relationship researchers call “boundary erosion.” The groundwork for an affair is almost always laid deliberately, not accidentally.
The “it just happened” framing is worth examining alongside the timeline. How long did it go on? How many times did they choose not to tell you? Each of those moments was a decision.
6. “I love you – that’s all that matters”
This is the last-ditch move in the cheater’s playbook. Love without respect, honesty, or loyalty is comfort, not commitment. Saying this skips past accountability entirely. If love were real in the way it’s being claimed, it wouldn’t have left room for sustained deception.
This phrase is designed to short-circuit rational processing. Invoking love in the immediate aftermath of a disclosure is an appeal to emotion intended to bypass the very questions you need to be asking: What happened, how long, and why did you lie? Cheaters who reach for “I love you” in that moment are almost always apologizing for getting caught, not for cheating. A single declaration is not a plan.
A 2012 survey by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) found that 74% of couples who underwent therapy in the wake of infidelity were able to recover and rebuild their relationship, according to data compiled by affairhealing.com. That recovery happened through sustained action over time – not through declarations made in a defensive moment. Love as a phrase deployed immediately after discovery functions more as a negotiation tactic than an expression of feeling.
7. “Go ahead and believe what you want”
This is the phrase that sparked the viral debate – and it’s also the most psychologically layered of the seven. On the surface, it sounds like exasperation from someone falsely accused. Underneath, it’s a surrender of accountability wrapped in the language of indifference. As Dr. Jennifer Freyd’s University of Oregon research defines it, DARVO stands for “Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender” – a reaction where the perpetrator may deny the behavior, attack the person confronting them, and reverse the roles of victim and offender so that the perpetrator assumes the victim role. This phrase does all three in nine words.
Many cheaters are manipulative, and when they know they’ve been caught, they retreat into indifference. “Go ahead and believe what you want” borrows its power from how reasonable it sounds when you have no direct evidence, and how quickly it dissolves when you do. In a confrontation where the accuser has concrete evidence, this phrase almost never appears. It shows up specifically when the cheater is betting on ambiguity.
Research suggests that DARVO is an effective strategy to discredit victims, but the power of the strategy can be mitigated by education, and the same holds for gaslighting broadly. Simply knowing this playbook exists makes it less effective.
Read More: People Divided Over Whether This Controversial Act Counts As Cheating
What to Do With This Information
Phrases alone can’t prove infidelity – and recognizing a deflection isn’t the same as confirming an affair. Many of these phrases can appear in arguments between genuinely faithful partners who are frustrated, defensive, or poor communicators. One of these phrases in a single argument means very little. The same phrase appearing every time a specific concern is raised means considerably more.
The cheaters who use these phrases tend to stack them – denial, then minimization, then blame-shifting, then emotional appeal – as a way to manage their partners and avoid accountability. According to 2024 couples therapy data, only 15.6% of couples where infidelity occurred remain together without any professional intervention, while a further 30% try to stay together but eventually separate. With professional support, that picture changes considerably: a 2012 AAMFT survey found 74% of couples who pursued therapy after an affair were able to rebuild their relationship.
If these phrases feel familiar across multiple conversations, a couples therapist isn’t a last resort – it’s the most direct route to clarity, whether you stay or go. Document what you can, talk to someone outside the relationship, and consider speaking with a therapist who specializes in relational trauma. Knowing the name of what’s happening to you is not a small thing. It gives you something solid to stand on when the other person is trying to take the floor out from under you.
Disclaimer: The information provided here is for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional psychological, psychiatric, or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the guidance of a licensed mental health professional, therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist with any questions or concerns about your emotional well-being or mental health conditions. Never ignore professional advice or delay seeking support because of something you have read here.
AI Disclaimer: This article was created with the assistance of AI tools and reviewed by a human editor.
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