Almost all couples at a certain phase in their relationship will start to notice their sex life dwindling. In the honeymoon phase, couples often have sex multiple times daily. Over time, that frequency might drop to every few months. If you find yourself wondering whether your sex life measures up, you are not alone. Many couples in long-term relationships question if they are having enough sex compared to other couples. The truth is, while there is no universal amount to how much sex constitutes enough, it all depends on you and your relationship. Other factors like age, health and libido could all be factors contributing to a diminishing sex life.
Laurie Watson, author of Wanting Sex Again, and a certified sex therapist states that not maintaining the fast pace of the honeymoon phase throughout your relationship is absolutely fine. Slowing down could be a sign of healthier habits, becoming comfortable in your long term relationship or becoming social again. Regular hook ups are not a necessity to maintaining a healthy relationship but if you notice a significant change in your intimacy, you may wonder if something has gone awry.
What Is The Average?
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According to research, most couples have sex about once a week on average. A 2018 General Social Survey showed that 25% of married couples have sex once a week, while 16% have sex 2 to 3 times per week. A 2024 study by The Knot found 60% of couples have sex at least once weekly. Age plays a significant factor as to how often couples engage in sexual activity. Adults aged 18 to 29 average 112 times per year, while those in their 60s average around 20 times annually. Among people in their 70s, 33% of sexually active men and 36% of sexually active women have sex at least 2 times a month.
However, the focus should not be on how many times couples engage in sex but whether both partners feel satisfied. As board-certified sexologist LilithFoxx explains, society holds up falsehoods that frequent sex equates to a healthier relationship, but this is not always the case. The real question should not be “Are we having enough sex?” but rather “Are we both satisfied with our sex life?”
The Honeymoon Phase and Natural Sexual Decline
Most relationships begin with unfettered desire, leading to frequent, passionate sex early on. This initial phase of the relationship is known as the honeymoon phase and lasts an average of 11.8 months. During this phase couples usually experience intense physical attraction and desire. In the first 3 months, couples can have sex an average of up to 4.9 times per week. After the honeymoon period ends, frequency tends to drop to about 1.8 times weekly.
This decline is not a cause for alarm and is completely normal in most relationships. About 63% of couples notice decreased sexual frequency after the honeymoon phase. Biologically, the reduction in sexual frequency could be attributed to dopamine and bonding chemicals beginning to naturally wear off. In the initial stages of your relationship, the body is flooded with dopamine and feel-good chemicals, amplifying desire.
A 2012 study found sexual desire drops after the beginning phase, particularly in women. This natural change in the relationship does not always correlate to relationship issues, merely a transition of the relationship. The relationship will naturally evolve from hormone-driven passion and infatuation into a meaningful, sustainable connection and relationship.
What Really Counts as “Enough” Sex?
While there is no standardized amount that accounts for “enough sex”, researchers can provide some useful insights. A 2015 study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science found couples are happiest when they have sex about once a week. However, happiness and high sexual frequency are not always synonymous with each other. A 2024 study from New Zealand found 85% of women having sex weekly reported satisfaction, compared to only 17% of those having sex less than monthly.
However, lower frequency does not immediately mean you are coming to the end of your relationship. Most sex therapists agree that couples who engage in sexual activity less than 10 times a year constitute a sexless marriage. Yet even this does not necessarily correlate to marriage or relationship trouble.
According to LilithFoxx, one or both partners may be feeling resentful, hesitant to engage in sex or feeling disconnected may be the reason for less sex. As LilithFoxx notes, there are couples that enjoy frequent sex while others are satisfied with it a few times a year. It is all about what works best for both partners. Sexual desire may swing to and fro from time to time and depending on the phase you are in your life.
Emotional Intimacy as the Foundation for Sexual Connection
As relationships progress and mature, sexual desire may shift and dwindle. While the initial phase of a relationship is driven by lust and desire, long-term relationship sex depends on emotional connection. Research shows daily emotional intimacy boosts sexual desire and satisfaction for up to 12 months. On days when couples feel more emotionally connected through understanding, caring, and sharing feelings, they experience higher sexual desire and satisfaction.
A study found higher intimacy levels are associated with higher sexual desire in both genders. Emotionally bonded couples tend to open up and explore their sexual fantasies together. In contrast, when the emotional connection fades, sexual desire usually follows close by. This is why addressing a declining sex life often means examining your emotional intimacy first.
The Importance of Communication About Sex
Communication is paramount to a fruitful and budding sex life as well as a stable relationship. Partners who talk about their sexual desires with their partners more often report more orgasms, more positive feelings about sex, and greater relationship satisfaction. Yet only 9% of couples who cannot talk comfortably about sex report satisfaction. For some, sex can be a difficult topic to discuss, even with their partners.
The topic of sex can bring up insecurities where partners fear being judged or fear hurting their significant others. Also the fear of rejection may prevent couples from approaching the topic altogether. For some couples sexual frequency is tied to their relationships’ value. Many view their desirability interconnected to how often they have sex, according to LilithFoxx. This can easily make conversations feel like admitting failure.
She advises that if couples struggle to talk about their sex life, to approach the topic with curiosity and not criticism. LilithFoxx recommends shifting your tone to reflect curiosity and not as an attack on your partner. Saying ‘I miss feelings physically close to you’ instead of ‘We never have sex’ is better framing and opens up an honest dialogue. Focusing on what sex means to you and being honest about what desire can help you and your partner determine what is ‘enough’ sex for your needs.
It remains perfectly valid if both partners agree infrequent intimacy suits your relationship. Lower libido or not prioritizing physical connection carries no inherent problem. In these situations, open communication proves essential for discovering alternative connection methods without creating pressure. Research consistently confirms communication quality predicts both intimate and relationship satisfaction. A 2024 study identified statistically significant correlation between communication and relationship satisfaction, demonstrating notably positive association.
Navigating Mismatched Libidos
Mismatched libidos affect nearly three-quarters of couples at some point. About 63% of women say their partner wants sex more often than they do. This common challenge requires understanding and compromise rather than judgment. Many people experience responsive desire rather than spontaneous desire. Responsive desire means experiencing desire after sexual intimacy has been initiated, not before. People with responsive desire need more affection and sensual touch leading up to sexual activity. They may not feel desire until after several minutes of foreplay.
Spontaneous desire occurs prior to sexual intimacy being initiated. People with spontaneous desire value unplanned and impulsive sexual advances. Neither desire style is wrong or bad, just different.
Your desired style is not fixed. You may switch between spontaneous and responsive desire over your lifetime. In long-term relationships, it is common to experience spontaneous desire at the beginning when everything is new and exciting. When novelty wears off, responsive desire often becomes the norm.
Solutions for mismatched libido include practicing empathy, finding middle ground through compromise, redefining what counts as sex, prioritizing non-sexual intimacy, and consulting sex therapists for guidance. The goal is not making the responsive desire partner have more spontaneous desire. It is about better understanding the contexts that turn them on and communicating to access those scenarios.
Practical Strategies to Increase Sexual Frequency
If you realize you both want more sex, there are many effective strategies to try. Scheduling sex might sound unromantic, but it helps prioritize intimacy in busy lives. Scheduling sex is like making a reservation at a five-star restaurant. You would not resent making that reservation, so view scheduling sex as an opportunity to anticipate and prioritize an intimate experience. Research shows scheduling sex ensures couples make time for intimacy, improves communication, boosts anticipation, and enhances intimacy. Nearly a quarter of couples schedule sex and report it helps maintain their connection.
Consider timing adjustments. If you are too tired at night, try going to bed earlier or having morning sex. Morning sex offers several benefits: higher testosterone levels, more energy, easier initiation, and stress relief for the day ahead. Create intimacy throughout the day through kissing, cuddling, and flirting. These moments of excitement outside the bedroom can reignite attraction. Try planning intimacy dates focused on pleasure rather than goals. This approach reduces pressure while increasing connection.
Sex therapist Laurie Watson advises not waiting to be in the mood. It is assumed that a feeling must occur for you to initiate intimacy, instead Watson says trying physical touch and kissing in bed to get the ball rolling. As sexual intimacy becomes more comfortable for you and your partner, you might decide to have sex more frequently. As you increase sexual frequency, it becomes easier to recognize when both partners are in the mood.
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The Role of Non-Sexual Touch and Affection
Physical affection extends far beyond sex. Non-sexual touch releases oxytocin, reduces stress, and strengthens bonds between partners. Simple gestures like hand-holding, hugging, and cuddling significantly improve relationship satisfaction. Research shows couples who engage in regular physical affection experience improved empathy, increased self-esteem, sense of comfort around their partner. It also improves your ability to read emotions and provides overall increased happiness.
Non-sexual affection can serve as a gateway to sexual intimacy. Touch creates emotional safety and security that makes partners more comfortable initiating sex. Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman found small, consistent gestures of physical affection are vital for maintaining strong emotional connection. Sensate focus exercises help couples reconnect through mindful touch. These therapeutic techniques involve touching without the goal of sex, allowing partners to experience pleasure and connection without performance pressure.
Pillow talk after sex also enhances intimacy. A 2014 study showed snuggling, talking, and caressing after sex contribute to better sex and higher relationship satisfaction. Increasing the minutes couples spend in post-sex pillow talk results in increased relationship satisfaction, especially for men.
When to Seek Professional Help
Sex therapists help couples navigate communication challenges, sexual dysfunction, trauma, and desire issues. Therapy creates a non-judgmental space to discuss difficult topics and learn coping mechanisms. Consider seeking help when feeling disconnected, resentful, or avoiding intimacy. If sex once felt fun but now feels like a chore, or if you have stopped having sex due to unresolved deeper issues, professional guidance can help.
Research shows couples therapy works remarkably well. About 70% to 75% of couples see positive changes after therapy. Emotionally Focused Therapy has particularly impressive results, with 75% to 90% of couples significantly improving their relationship. The average person receiving couple therapy is better off at termination than 70% to 80% of individuals not receiving treatment.
Most couples wait an average of six years after problems start to seek counseling. Seeking help earlier improves outcomes significantly. About 55% of couples are in therapy for 6 months or fewer before seeing improvements. Medical issues may require physician involvement alongside therapy. Hormonal imbalances, medications, and health conditions can all impact libido and sexual function. Seeking therapy shows commitment to the relationship, not failure. It demonstrates both partners value their connection enough to invest in professional support. As one expert notes, sex therapists can help collaborate on the best methods to increase sexual intimacy in your relationship
The journey through a long-term sexual relationship involves natural ebbs and flows. What counts as normal varies dramatically between couples. Focus on mutual satisfaction rather than frequency comparisons. Prioritize emotional intimacy, open communication, and physical affection. When challenges arise, remember professional help is available and highly effective. Your sex life can remain fulfilling and satisfying throughout your relationship if you stay connected, communicate openly, and approach each other with curiosity and compassion.
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