am i being emotionally abused
Jade Small
Jade Small
February 16, 2024 ·  6 min read

Subtle Signs That Your Partner Is Emotionally Abusing You

Anytime we embark on a new relationship, we are essentially taking a gamble. After all, we don’t really know someone until we get comfortable with them, or vice-versa… (and even then, do we still know?) No person knowingly enters into a traumatic relationship. Obviously, there are noticeable signs when someone rubs us the wrong way, or when red flags start firing. However, the tricky thing about emotional abuse is that most abusers can mask their toxic traits. By the time their subtle abusive tendencies are noticed, their partner is already attached to them, making it much harder for the person to leave, thus further perpetuating the cycle of emotional abuse.

Read: 5 Dead Giveaways There’s a Toxic Person in Your Life

What is Emotional Abuse?

Unhappy couple not talking after an argument in bed at home
Credit: Shutterstock

If you have to wonder if your relationship is abusive, then it most likely is. You may be feeling insulted, and broken, like you can never measure up, always walking on eggshells, and if this is the case, it is highly likely that you are dealing with an emotionally abusive person. In general, a relationship that is borderline emotional abuse is one where there is always tension, where one person is afraid to speak up, a constant pattern of demeaning words, hostile voice tones, and bullying tendencies that painfully erodes a person’s self-esteem and mental health. Furthermore, psychological or emotional abuse can occur in any relationship (not just romantic ones) including friends, family members, and coworkers. Although emotional abuse doesn’t leave you with physical scars, it can leave an enormous impact on your mental state and seriously disrupt the quality of your life.

Why Emotional Abuse Is Easy To Overlook

Problems in relationships. Sad unhappy cheerless woman standing near her boyfriend and holding her chin while feeling depressed
Credit: Shutterstock

While physical abuse is easier to identify, emotional abuse, unfortunately, is not. Emotional abuse can happen gradually; at the beginning of the relationship, the abuser may only show good qualities. However, once they’ve lured you in or they feel comfortable in the relationship, that’s when controlling tendencies begin to take place. In the beginning, the person who is being abused may view their relationship struggles as the typical relationship woes everyone faces with a new relationship dynamic. Despite suffering regular abuse day after day, well-meaning partners will continue trying to make changes and sacrifices in their attempts to make the relationship work.

12 Subtle Signs of Emotional Abuse

Upset man having problem sitting on the bed with his girlfriend
Credit: Shutterstock

If you are having trouble determining whether or not your relationship is abusive, stop and think about how the interactions with your partner, friend, or family member MAKE YOU FEEL. If you feel beaten, frustrated, confused, like you can’t communicate your feelings, misunderstood, depressed, anxious or worthless any time you interact with them, then the chances are your relationship is emotionally abusive.

1. You’re Subconsciously or Consciously Fearful

Side view young woman looking away at window sitting on couch at home. Frustrated confused female feels unhappy problem in personal life quarrel break up with boyfriend or unexpected pregnancy concept
Credit: Shutterstock

You’re afraid to speak up, communicate your feelings, or tell them something because you’re scared of how they will react.

2. Your Self-esteem is Shot

Sad woman in the room
Credit: Shutterstock

Self-esteem and emotional abuse go hand in hand. An abusive partner will criticize you in order to feel better about themselves while eroding your self-worth.

3. They are Petty

Young couple arguing in their living room
Credit: Shutterstock

If they make a big deal out of little things, it can make you feel as if nothing you ever do is right.

4. Blocking

Photo of resentful guy and girl acting like arguing couple and not speaking to each other, while sitting together on couch at home isolated over white background
Credit: Shutterstock

They turn away from discussing any real issues that feel uncomfortable to them. They twist your words making you lose sight of the issue at hand.

Read: Toxic Marriages Are More Painful For Kids Than Divorce

5. Discounting

Young couple quarrels among themselves at home, his wife was crying because her husband, at home
Credit: Shutterstock

“You’re overreacting!” “You’re too sensitive!” – This makes you doubt your own perceptions, reality, and gut instincts.

6. Humiliation

Closeup of young man covering eyes with hand. Depression concept. Isolated front view on grey background.
Credit: Shutterstock

Often disguised as humor, they will taunt you in front of others, and if you do end up speaking up, they will tell you that you’re too sensitive/can not take a joke – that’s because abusers trivialize the feelings of the people they hurt.

7. You are Second-guessing & Self-editing (Walking on eggshells)

Sad woman sitting on a sofa in the living room
Credit: Shutterstock

If you’re second-guessing or self-editing yourself to avoid unpleasant exchanges, subtle abusive behavior has already been internalized.

8. They Go Out of Their Way To Annoy You

Man trying to explain himself
Credit: Shutterstock

A person who goes out of their way to do things that intentionally provoke you clearly has control and boundary issues.

Read: Toxic People Never Admit When They Are Wrong

9. Lack of Self Awareness

Young woman asking her boyfriend for forgiveness at home
Credit: Shutterstock

If they show no empathy or compassion for your pain and have no interest in understanding what caused it (or how to prevent it) that is a big indication that they don’t care to make you happy.

10. When It’s Good, It’s Very Good

Portrait Of Happy Young Couple Sitting On Floor Looking Up While Dreaming Their New Home And Furnishing
Credit: Shutterstock

Emotional abusers aren’t bad 100% of the time, and this is what makes them so deceiving. When times are good, they are very good. They know how to switch up their behavior to make you stick around (further perpetuating the cycle of emotional abuse)

11. You’re Always on Edge

Unhappy couple having an argument on the couch at home in the living room
Credit: Shutterstock

It’s much like walking on eggshells all the time. If you’re always on edge, then this is a clear indication that you don’t feel comfortable in the relationship, period.

12. You’re Losing Yourself

Sad pensive young girl thinking of relationships problems sitting on sofa with offended boyfriend, conflicts in marriage, upset couple after fight dispute, making decision of breaking up get divorced
Credit: Shutterstock

You don’t feel like yourself anymore, and you’re even confused about who you are, what you like, your beliefs, and what matters to you.

Read: 21 ‘Signs’ of an Abusive Parent We Can’t Keep Overlooking

I’m In An Emotionally Abusive Relationship, Now What?

Couple arguing with each other in the restaurant
Credit: Shutterstock

Get out. General relationship advice about things like improving communication, or appreciating one another, relies on the premise that both individuals care about each other’s feelings and are willing to put in an effort to make their relationship work. However, an emotionally dysfunctional person cannot understand their partner’s feelings or perspectives. For emotional abusers, the underlying cause of their abuse is that they are emotionally dysregulated. So even though one person may do their best to improve the relationship, the cycle will only continue until the abusive person is conscious of their actions and seeks help for their emotional and mental issues. If you or someone you know needs help getting out of an emotionally abusive relationship, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233.

Read More: Be Alone Until You Meet Someone Who Cares About You And Does These 7 Things

Sources

  1. 10 Relationship Red Flags. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-flux/201407/10-relationship-red-flags
  2. 21 Big Signs of Emotional Abuse You May Be Overlooking. (2017, April 13). Retrieved from https://www.lovepanky.com/my-life/better-life/signs-of-emotional-abuse
  3. 21 Big Signs of Emotional Abuse You May Be Overlooking. (2017, April 13). Retrieved from https://www.lovepanky.com/my-life/better-life/signs-of-emotional-abuse
  4. 8 Subtle Signs of Psychological Abuse You Should Never Ignore. (2017, June 16). Retrieved from https://www.learning-mind.com/psychological-abuse/
  5. Alexis, S. (n.d.). 12 Subtle Signs of Emotional Abuse in Your Relationship. Retrieved from https://www.anewmode.com/dating-relationships/signs-of-emotional-abuse-relationship/3/
  6. Are You Dating an Abuser? (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/200812/are-you-dating-abuser
  7. Berchini, C. (2015, May 02). Identifying the More Subtle Signs of an Abusive Relationship. Retrieved from https://www.huffingtonpost.com/christina-berchini/identifying-the-more-subtle-signs-of-an-abusive-relationship_b_6775082.html
  8. Forms of Emotional and Verbal Abuse You May Be Overlooking. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201704/forms-emotional-and-verbal-abuse-you-may-be-overlooking
  9. Gordon, S. (n.d.). Invisible Wounds: How Emotional Abuse Impacts Victims. Retrieved from https://www.verywellmind.com/identify-and-cope-with-emotional-abuse-4156673
  10. Martin, M., LG, L., D., R., & Furr, L. (2018, August 08). Identifying The More Subtle Signs of Emotional Abuse. Retrieved from https://themindsjournal.com/identifying-subtle-signs-emotional-abuse/
  11. Peace Quarters. (2017, October 28). 8 Subtle Signs Your Partner Is Emotionally Abusing You. Retrieved from https://www.peacequarters.com/notice-signs-partner-emotionally-abusing-yes-really/
  12. Smith, B. (2017, January 24). Why Is Emotional Abuse So Difficult to Recognize? Retrieved from https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/why-is-emotional-abuse-so-difficult-to-recognize-0127174
  13. Somarriba, M. R. (2016, August 11). What You Need to Know About Emotional Abuse (Even if You Think It Doesn’t Apply to You). Retrieved from https://verilymag.com/2016/08/emotional-verbal-abuse-domestic-abuse-mental-health-physical-abuse-assault
  14. Stop Letting Emotional Abuse Drive You Crazy. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/abuse/youre-not-crazy-but-emotional-abuse-can-make-you-think-you-are/
  15. Subtle Signs of Emotional Abuse. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/201808/subtle-signs-emotional-abuse
  16. Thorpe, J. (2018, April 25). 7 Signs Of Emotional Abuse You May Not Know. Retrieved from https://www.bustle.com/articles/184794-7-complex-signs-of-emotional-abuse-you-may-not-know
  17. What is emotional abuse? (n.d.). Retrieved from https://au.reachout.com/articles/what-is-emotional-abuse
  18. Wright, M. (2018, August 14). Beware – Every Single One Of These 10 Things Is Emotional Abuse. Retrieved from https://thepowerofsilence.co/beware-every-single-one-of-these-10-things-is-emotional-abuse/